Valentine Mishap
by 8DRainbowManVan8D
Summary: You all thought the Christmas party was bad... God, I hate Valentine's Day. This office is too crazy without my Ichigo around to keep me sane! And Kenpachi, ugh! I've seen more of him than I've EVER wanted to! Orihime, the evil woman just keeps laughing at it all. Vile beast! Now, I think Ikkaku's in on it! They're all out to torture me! Ichigo! Come save me! GrimmIchi KenKkaku


Grimmkitty1325 requested this sequel. Coverart done completely by myself.

This is to you, enjoy.

**PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END.**

WARNINGS! Language, crude humor, sexual deviance

.:.~O3O~.:.

~.:. Valentine Mishap.:.~

Ya know what I've always loved about the holidays? The innate ability of every human being on the planet to completely lose their minds. Makes me wanna go run and buy roses for everyone and spread the love! I mean, who _doesn't _love running around, buying shit for people that we don't really care about? Like fuckin' teddy bears that we know are just going to be thrown in a closet to rot with all the other dusty pieces of shit. Or how about the obligation to go out and spend obscene amounts of money on somebody you're already dating and no longer need to impress? Or maybe even the propaganda of little children buying cheap generic cards for classmates, just so they can count how many they received and rub it in the faces of those who have less? And let's not forget about the _nudist_ baby angel himself! Where the _hell_ did people come up with the idea of a naked winged infant shootin' arrows at people's asses as something seen as… _romantic?!_

Yeah… That's right. I guess I'm what you'd call a miserable loner and _fuckin' _proud of it! I don't need to go out and buy cards and chocolates for people! Shit, I'm the one who forgets it's even the _"Day of Love" _–input annoyed sarcastic eye roll –and just stays home drinking a beer with some cheap porno on with my pants down around my ankles. Just _goin' ta town._ I'm also the guy that walks around and sneers at all the dumb couples who walk around giving goo-goo eyes at each other, lost in their own worlds. Wanna know something funny?

While they ain't payin' attention… I trip 'em! And as they're all flailing about on the ground, I lean down and shake my head in shame, sayin' 'Be more careful next time. Assholes all over the place who do that kinda shit.'

Recognize me yet? Hell yeah, it's me. If ya don't remember… One, ya really need to get that checked out 'cause it was only like, what? Not even _two_ months ago that we last talked? And two, I was the guy tellin' ya guys aaaaall about how much I hated Christmas.

… S'pose I should go on to say I hate just about every holiday. They're just pointless to me.

I rubbed my hand over my mouth, gripping the steering wheel tighter, slowing down for the red light. This lady next to me tried squeezing her way in front of me without her blinkers. I honked my horn, glaring viciously and she gave me the finger. Smirking, I licked my lips. She gave me a disgusted look as she cut me off completely.

Fucking, bitch. So, like as I was saying. Christmas. Hate it. Walking that time of year? Dumb idea. So _this time_ I decided to drive to work.

_Dumbest. Mistake. Of my LIFE._

There was like fuckin' back to back traffic. Swear to god my dead one legged grandma could hobble faster than this shit. Everyone was out in their cars, making their reservations an' shit for that would be _romantic_ restaurant of theirs.

Pissed me off it did. Like, why the hell could I never win? If it's not vicious stampeding grandmas, it's slow crawling four wheeled death traps. Can't tell ya how many women cut me off today, their eyes gleaming with determination. They just _had to get that one perfect place_. If you looked close enough, it was almost like bumper cars, except on the road and lethal. The looks they gave other women… Someone was gonna die and it would be bloody.

Their terrified husbands sitting in the passenger seats gave me petrified looks, their eyes telling me, '_Dude. I'm so sorry. Just be thankful you're not in the car _with _them. I think I shat myself at least twice.'_

I grunted as I leaned my elbow against the windowsill. Fuckin' women.

But to be fair, I had even more reason this Valentine's season to be… miserable and –dare I say it –lonely. My sweet little Strawberry had transferred to another corporate building shortly after that Christmas party. Cough cough –by the way. This is where you feel bad for me. That stereotypically sad violin music would even be appreciated, that's how pathetic I've become.

… What kinda shit is _that?!_ I get a friggin' taste of something sweet and then _poof! _It's gone! Serious case of blue balls, man I tell ya what. Ain't never enough Ichigo in the _world_ to fix this problem.

Shifting in my seat, I groaned, my groin aching. And like fucking magic, I stand to attention. He has my body going like clockwork. Just one thought of his bare ass and I'm randier than Ray Charles surrounded by Go-Go Girls.

I sigh heavily through my nose, boredly inching down the road. Wanna know what else kills me? My best fricken friend Ikkaku –ya remember him, right? Baldy, Chrome Dome, _Mr._ Clause? –he got together with our boss Kenpachi. Shudder worthy.

Now I _know_ you didn't forget him. Scariest Santa Clause alive?

… Yeah, those two got together. I retch, holding my hand desperately to my mouth. Just. Ew.

I can't even look at the guy without thinking of that godforsaken Christmas party! All bent over and pressed into the chair, saliva running down his –NOPE! Viciously, I shake the thought from my head. NU HUH! WE _DON'T_ GO THERE.

Ugh! We _never_ go there.

But yeah, pretty much, Ikkaku's ass is like attached to Kenpachi's dick so I never see him.

I'm such a lonely bastard.

When I finally reached the employee parking lot, I pulled my car into an empty spot. Hefting on my scarf and coat, I step outside and promptly attempt to do the splits. Not intentionally mind you, just ya know, _fucking ice._ Oooh, think my ball sack just ripped in half. Groaning, I work my legs straight, and gently rub at my sore groin –now for other reasons. Slouching, I stand there, trying to catch my breath and work through the waves of pain, stomach caught somewhere in my throat.

Hobbling through the employee entrance, I circle round to the front. Szayel's head peaks from over the rim of his glasses, his face contorting with disgust. The woman at the front counter turns to look at me and I recognize her as his wife. She waves merrily and shouts, "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Szayel scolds her gently. "Nel, love… What have I told you about speaking to animalistic pigs?"

"That they aren't worth my time and not to encourage them."

He nods smugly, I glare calling back as I step into the elevator. "Ya know, Nel, a real man would know what ta do with his dick! Judging by yer husband's confused face, he doesn't even know what that is."

His red glaring face was priceless as I smirked evilly at him, the doors sliding shut. I couldn't help but chuckle. But everything felt kind of… empty without Ikkaku by my side poking fun at him too. Rubbing my temples, I leaned against the elevator wall, waiting for the doors to open. As the door dinged, I pulled down my hand and stepped onto my floor, eyes slowly opening.

And then I started shittin' kittens.

Three, at least.

There were friggin' red, pink, and white hearts everywhere. Actual little angels pinned on the wall and heart shaped bowls filled with those stupid heart candies that tasted like chalk stating something stupid like, 'Be Mine,' or some shit. Romantic music was even going. Like, _Barry White romantic._

No _seriously._ Who listens to Barry White at work? I feel dirty just _standing here._

Looking around, horrified once more, I watched Orihime standing on a step stool, once more hanging holiday paraphernalia on the office walls. My eyes narrowed. God damned Orihime, daughter of Satan, I swear. I'm beginning to think I need to transfer buildings too, 'cause this one seriously sucks. What's with all the freaking holiday parties?! Someone needs to knock her off her stool, smack her upside the head and just say, 'No.'

To hell with it! And if they think I'm fucking sticking around for this party or whatever, they've got another thing coming! Shit, there wouldn't be any wreaths this time to end my suffering!

Just as I was taking my first step forwards, Uryu stepped in front of me, pinning a little heart to my shirt collar, right next to my tie. Giving him the dirtiest look, he glared right back. "Orders from Orhime. You don't like it, take your problems to her."

He stormed away, keeping his eyes trained closely on the ground, stepping around every obstruction carefully. Chad stood in the hallway nearby, silently watching. Sneering, I stomped over to my cubicle, eyes helplessly roaming over to the vacant square beside mine.

My heart lurched painfully and if anyone saw me grimace, I'd have told them indigestion.

I really missed my Ichigo.

Sliding into my seat, I stared blankly at my computer. There was no motivation inside of me to start working. After god knows how long of sitting there, a hand slammed down on my back, knocking spit down the wrong tube and I started choking. Laughter filled my ears as I sat there dying.

"Hey, Bluebell, long time no see. How goes the holiday pissing?"

Smacking my fist against my chest, I squinted a glare out behind me at my best friend –_correction!_ Soon to be _dead_ best friend –Ikkaku. He was smirking at me, unrepentant. As I gave him the finger, he pulled up a chair and sat down. "Aw, don't be like that Grimmie-poo! I've got the most _amazing_ news for you."

Judging by the near vile sarcasm laced in that statement, I knew whatever it was… It was going to be horrible. Perhaps even devastating and scarring.

I rubbed my temples. "Dare I even ask?"

He scratched his chin in thought. "Nope, but I'mma tell you anyway…. Orihime got another party approved."

Fear shot down my spine, I twisted to look at him, bewildered and pissed. "Yer shittin' me?! How the hell after the disaster of the Christmas one?"

At that statement, he smirked. "Well, apparently _boss_ didn't seem to think it was much of a disaster," at this point I shudder in memory. He glared at me. "And judging from what I heard, neither should you. Can't tell ya how long Kenpachi bitched at me for you and Ichigo fuckin' on his desk like rabbits. Thanks for that, by the way."

Smirking at him, I laughed. "Anytime, Cupcake." Pulling a serious face, I shook my head. "But god forbid! That woman needs to be like, put down or something! Like Ol' Yeller! Her ideas are horrid and I'm surprised we haven't gotten any complaints on unsightly conduct or something."

Ikkaku grunted in agreement. "Apparently, after hours means… after hours and besides, that woman doesn't die. She's like a friggin roach. You could drop a nuke on her ass and she'd still walk away from it all dandy and fine. Speaking of the evil bitch, she wants you to come to the tonight."

The glare I shot him made him grimace. "Don't worry, Grimm. It's not a party like last time, just a small get together to exchange Valentines."

"Like hell it is. Knowing her, there's some evil plot she's got all cooked up in that twisted noggin of hers. And I don't think I can handle much more insanity from her… Or you and boss man getting it on." I shudder once more.

Ikkaku –the evil bastard –had the balls to laugh. "She said you'd say something like that and she told me to tell you if that's the case… Then she was going to make you eat her Poptarts and mustard."

We both turned green. I snapped my fingers and clenched my fists. "I _knew_ it!" At the confused look he shot me, I waved him off. "Eh, something I once said to Ichigo."

At the mention of his name, Ikkaku's eyes softened, if only slightly. Oh fuck, judging by that look, in order to have this conversation, booze would need to be involved. "Speaking of him… How ya handlin' it?"

Fuck! I knew it! I glared away at my computer. "Well enough. Now leave me alone, I got work ta do."

He shook his head, ashamed but stood up quietly. As he turned to walk down the aisle, he paused. "So I'll see ya tonight?"

Not even sparing him a glance, I waved him off.

There were more important things to worry about at the moment than some stupid party.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

"Chad…"

"Yes, Grimmjow?"

"I shoulda jus' ate the damn mustard Poptarts."

The beast of a man merely chuckled and sipped at his glass of fruit punch. I was miserable. The lights were down low and tinted red, flower petals strewn everywhere. There was _still friggin Barry White_ _playing_. It was perfect setting for a girl's romantic dream and the exact recipe for my worst nightmare. My face was hidden in my palms, trying to pretend I wasn't here.

I was so ready to give up the ghost and haunt Orihime's ass to the end of time. Perhaps… I could drown myself in the punch bowl? At least it'd taste good. Sighing, I pressed my palms more tightly against my face.

Renji stepped over to speak with Chad, Rukia right behind him. People I normally didn't even talk to were flocking around me now. What the hell was this?! Get the fuck away! I glared out from between my fingers, but they didn't get the hint.

"So, did I tell ya guys about the new transfer?" Renji scratched at his tie, pulling it loose and messy. Rukia sighed and gave up trying to make him stay presentable.

Chad merely inclined his head. I assumed he wasn't talking to me and I ignored him.

Renji smirked. "Yeah, apparently he's taking Ichi's old cubicle." At that my attention was riveted. Who _dare_ thought they could take Ichigo's place?!

I'll tear 'im limb from limb! The three buffoons were completely oblivious to the killing aura around me. The idiot red head continued on. "He's an old pal of mine, went to school with him way back when."

Rukia tilted her head, rubbing at her chin. "Hmmm… I wonder if I know him then. What's his name?"

"Toshirou Hitsugaya."

Rukia's face turned red, her lips pressed tightly shut for a good five seconds before she exploded into laughter, grabbing at her knees for support. "Th-That little shorty transferred in!? Bwahahahaaa!"

"I don't appreciate being talked about behind my back, Ms. Kuchiki. And if I didn't know you knew better, I'd have called your brother from the head security office to deal with you unsightly behavior."

The tiny woman choked on her spit, spine shooting ram rod straight. Everyone's attention shot to the voice… And then _I _started laughing. He was tiny. The young man was _so_ tiny; adorable even! I wanted to ruffle my fingers through his hair and give him a dog bone! Or something equally as humiliating!

His cheeks turned red as I continued to laugh, scowl deepening. Oh, if he was going to be my new neighbor… Things weren't going to be as bad as I originally thought. He'd be a lot of fun to tease; easy to rile and I _bet_ if I got him mad enough, he'd be loud and disruptive too.

When he caught the evil glint in my eye, his own widened and he took a small step away. Well, what do ya know? Shorty could smell evil. Heh, perfect.

Just as I was opening my mouth to bring down the taunting, Orihime stepped up, all brilliant smiles. I sensed treacherous intentions behind those gleaming teeth; I narrowed a suspicious glare her way. She wrapped her arms around Toshirou's shoulders and gave him a hug. "Welcome to the office, Toshirou-chan! We've got a big card for you on the way! We just have to wait for the delivery boy to get here!"

She giggled as she turned to run off. Was it just me or… I shifted nervously. "Anybody else worried as to why we need a delivery man for a card? Jesus, how _big_ is the damn thing? I've got like, tingles of déjà vu running up and down my spine."

Renji turned pale. "Oh god… I hope not." Everyone shared looks. Toshirou, watched completely confused.

"What are you guys speaking of? What déjà vu? It might just be a really big card."

Rukia shook her head sadly. "I forgot you weren't here for the _last_ party hosted. Things got… Er, a little outta hand."

"A_ little?"_ I called out incredulously.

She had the decency to grimace, scratching at her head. "Okay, a _lotta_ outta hand. But we've all sworn to _never_ bring up the actual events that took place that night _ever_ again. With anyone. _Ever._"

Toshirou merely cocked an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "What _honestly_ could have been that bad?"

I shook my head sadly. "You asked."

Before I could even _attempt_ to disclose those horrific events, there was a loud banging at the door; as if someone was trying to kick it down. We all turned to stare at it, faces white and eyes wide with horror.

"Oh god no!" Renji tensed up his shoulders, head ducking down.

The door slammed open and Ikkaku walked in, hefting around a giant red box with heart patterns all over it. Dropping it to the ground, he looked around at everyone's terrified faces. He smirked, knowing why everyone looked sick with worry and was enjoying their fear. "Cards 'r here."

There was a collective sigh around the room as everyone relaxed; Toshirou watched in bewilderment, wondering how the hell he got transferred to such a _strange_ office.

Orihime giggled and ran forward, box cutter slicing the box open. "Okay! Let's begin!" She began calling out names, holding up extremely frilly and expensive looking cards. Personally, I thought it all was _waaaay_ over the top.

As she was reaching into the bottom of the box, ass way up in the air, she stood up straight, holding one last card; mine. She glanced at the name, and smiled sweetly. "To Kenpachi!"

I stopped moving forwards. What the?! Where was mine? Thinking about it, I decided to say something. That fuckin' pissed me off! She made me stay for something I _really_ hate and I don't even get a _card out of it?!_ No way was this gonna fly. "Uh, Orihime. Where's my card? Fuck, Kenpachi ain't even here."

And then… Her true colors showed. Swear to god, I saw hell in that smile, eyes glinting red. "Well, of course he's not here."

She paused deliberately. "_Yet."_

All warmth left my body, everyone else just as jumpy. "Yet?"

She nodded sweetly, the demon showing through her gleaming eyes. "Oh yeah! He had to grab another package! He should be here any second."

"Any seco-wait a minute! What you mean-_Oh no._" And it hit me. Like a ton of fucking bricks, it hit me. The hairs all over my body stood on end. "EVERYBODY RUUUUUUUUN!"

Three things happened at once.

Orhime started cackling.

Everyone started running around in confusion.

And then the door kicked in… Again.

"ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS. SHUT UP AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN."

We all froze, some mid run, others mid cry. I heard a couple thuds of people stopping mid fall.

Kenpachi stepped in, a giant box in his hands –identical to the last except for the huge bow… _that_ was new –his bare arms bulging with straining muscles. His narrowed eyes slithered over each and every one of us. He turned around and we all choked, some even gagged. In fact, I think I even just heard Shinji faint.

Our boss opened the door to the storage room and slid the box in there. Slamming the door shut, he turned around glaring at us and stalked back forwards.

And I thought the _Christmas _party was bad. Poor fool Toshirou had no idea not to do what he did.

Poor poor Toshirou.

The young man stepped forward, horror clear in his eyes. "Uhm… Excuse me sir… Why the hell are you in a diaper? … And with a quiver on your back? Are-Are those _heart shaped arrows?!"_

Kenpachi scowled back, offended. "It's not a fucking _diaper,_ numbnuts! It's a _wrap_." The man had the audacity to smirk then. "Why am I dressed this way you ask?" The smirk grew to shark like proportions and he crossed his giant arms over his rock solid chest. "'Cause I'm the god damned angel of love."

Toshirou spluttered horridly, everyone else still frozen in horror. "_C-Cupid?!"_

Kenpachi threw his head back, cackling. "Damn straight! And I'm here to make all your Valentine wishes come true."

Renji opened his huge trap. "Fuck, are those _real_ arrows?!" Kenpachi merely glared at the imbecile.

I think… I just threw up in fear for my life and disgust. Glancing at the ground, I saw no puke. Huh, must've just imagined it. Eyeballs were burning holes into the back of my skull. Sneaking a peak behind me, I saw Orihime watching me with sick satisfaction. As if things couldn't get worse!

And then Ikkaku stepped forwards, and _that's_ when all hell broke loose. His cheeks were rosy and hot, pupils dilated and dark. Uhm, ew? "Wow boss, nice look." He sauntered closer, Kenpachi's attention drawing to him and growing dark too.

Uhm, _double ew!_

The monstrous man grabbed hold of my friend and yanked him tightly against his chest, every inch of them touching.

EEEEEW!

"Hmmmmm, I have ta say Kenpachi… You make diapers look good." Ikkaku said through his dirty grin.

Kenpachi returned it tenfold. "That so? Well, I'll have to wear it more often then."

And then they were kissing. I could friggin' see tongues lashing, Ikkaku grabbing a tight hold of Kenpachi's ass, pressing him closer to himself.

"OH GOD DAMN IT, NOT AGAIN!" Renji threw himself backwards and away, covering his eyes. Rukia screamed and Toshirou's face was bright red, unable to look away. Somewhere, from the pits of hell, Orihime was still cackling. I was walking towards the punch bowl before I even realized I was moving.

Gripping the edge, I set out to finally kill myself. But then, Ikkaku said something that horrified me to no end.

"Why don't we let Grimmie-_chan _join us. He's been _awfully lonely_ since Ichi-poo left." I froze, unable to move, unable to escape those sickly sweet words.

"Hmmm, yer right Ikkaku. So what say you, _Grimmie-chan?_" I slowly looked over my shoulder and saw that both of those _monsters_ were staring at me with gleaming eyes and lecherous smirks.

Suddenly, there was a loud high pitched sound. If I remember correctly… that was me screaming. Next thing I knew, I was running towards the closest door. I threw it open, dived inside, and locked it shut, everyone's eyes on me.

Ikkaku smirked evilly. "Was that the storage room?"

Kenpachi chuckled menacingly. "Yep."

"Well that's perfect then!" Everyone turned to an 'innocently' smiling Orihime. "Everything's going to plan!"

Chad rubbed at his chin. "What plan?"

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

I leaned against the door, heaving air in and out of my lungs like a chain smoker after a marathon. Beads of sweat ran down my brow, and I watched that door like a hawk.

I didn't care about what was behind me, there was only one door in this room and it was locked and in my sights. No way in _hell_ was anyone getting in here without my knowing so. And if they tried, I'd kill 'em!

The hum of the printing machine was white noise, the sounds of paper crinkling meaning little to nothing. But the gust of wind… What the…?!

The air in my lungs lodged somewhere between my heart and mouth, choking me. Terrified, I turned around slowly and saw that the box that Kenpachi had set in here had moved closer.

_What the fuck?! What did he put in there?!_

And then came the muffled cry. I jumped to attention. "Oh shit! There's a person in there!"

I ran over and began looking the box over, trying to find an opening. "Oh fuck, uh! Hold on! I'll get ya out in a second!"

Ripping the giant purple bow from the top, I set to tearing the box open. Once the top tabs flapped open, I stared inside trying to make out the person but it was so dark. "Uhm… you okay?"

But then the bastard had the audacity to yank me in with them. With a vulgar cry of '_OH FUCK,' _I fell in on top of…. Apparently him. Flat chest, naked skin, hard lines of muscles.

_Wait! Naked skin?!_ I jerked back, about to throw myself out, when he wrapped all four limbs around me, holding me to him. "Gaaaah, what the fuck_ man?! What are you doing?!_"

And then the smell of chocolate and strawberries reached my nose. The man chuckled. "Heard you missed a certain strawberry. Though I'd sweeten the deal with some… chocolate coating."

_Oh!_ I knew that voice, and I couldn't stop the full body shudder, and I knew he felt it because we pressed so intimately. He chuckled in my ear, licking at the lobe. "I-Ichigo?"

"Hmmm, Happy Valentines Grimm." I could hear the smile in his voice.

As my eyes finally adjusted to the dark, I saw his orange hair and gleaming eyes. As I looked lower, I felt heat surround my body. Parts of him were darker than the rest of him, smearing onto my shirt and pants. "Ichigo… Why are you naked? Not that I'm complaining or anything, but how the _hell_ did ya get in the box like this?"

He smiled and started laughing. God I missed that laugh. He laid flat against the bottom of the box, I kept myself held up just slightly. "Does it matter, Grimm? I'm here now and I have something I really wanted you to try."

I quirked a lecherous eyebrow. "Oh? And what would _that_ be, Mr. Kurosaki?"

His smirk reflected my eyebrow and he pressed his groin upwards into my own. "Well, the frosting I made just for you this Valentine's Day."

Glancing down, I realized that the stuff rubbing off on my clothes was in fact chocolate frosting. Flashing a heated look back into his eyes, I was hit with another epiphany. "That was the whole point of this party wasn't it? Duping me into seeing you again in the most embarrassing way, huh?"

Ichigo laughed heartily. "Meh, pretty much." His eyes softened. "Missed ya Grimm."

The tension in my shoulders and inside my whole being relaxed and I sighed. "Missed ya too, Ichigo."

Pressing a kiss to his nose I pulled away, eyes dangerous. "But that ain't gonna stop me from getting back at you for this!"

His eyes widened in horror. "Wait Grimm! No-_ooooooh!"_

He cut off into a moan as I began licking frosting from his body in earnest, the spot my tongue was delving… well, was more than _intimate_. I kissed and licked along the apex of his legs, viciously.

His cries grew louder. "Ah! AH! GRIMM!"

I laughed as he came down from his high, licking his evidence from my face. Ichigo stared up at me with dazed eyes, a lazy satisfied smile tugging at his lips. Smirking down at him, I gave him a heated look.

"Ya know, the frosting you made was delicious but…"

His eyes darkened sadly. "But?"

"I like _your own much. Better._" I smirked bigger as he grinned like a beast too, a slightly embarrassed flush staining his cheeks. Leaning back down, I pressed our lips together. "I love you, Ichigo."

"Love ya too, Grimmjow."

"Heh…." I paused and whined impatiently, biting my bottom lip. "Ready for round two?"

He rolled his eyes, laughing and wrapped himself around me again. "Of course, dumbass."

Laughing, I didn't need any more encouragement, and pressed forwards. His cries filled my ears.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

"AH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH, FUCK, GRIMM!"

Everyone glanced at the door, beers in hand, decidedly bored; except poor Toshirou, frozen stiff holding onto his full beer, staring straight ahead red faced at nothing. Renji scratched at his chin. "So, if like the whole point of this party was getting those two together again…. Why the hell couldn't you tell us about it? Save us all the –er –heart attack."

Shinji pressed the icepack tighter to his forehead, glaring heatedly at his boss. "And the injuries!"

Kenpachi smirked. "And what? Miss the looks on all your faces?! Hell no, maggot!"

Renji gestured wildly. "Why the hell did ya have ta dress up though?!"

His boss crossed his arms and glared. "Because I _like to_. Got a problem with it? Get another job."

Everyone sat there silently, some fuming, others confused, and one frozen. Orihime had her ear pressed to the storage room door, giggling like the cat that caught the canary.

Renji finally spoke up again, heatedly. "At least… Why _Cupid?_ You don't look a thing like 'im! Why couldn't ya have at least used someone cute and small like –like Toshirou!"

"HEY!"

"Sorry man, but ya know it's true." Renji shrugged unapologetically while Toshirou glared burning holes into his head, still red faced and fidgety. The red head looked back to his boss. "Like seriously, you as Cupid?"

Kenpachi had finally had enough, motioning with his head to the poor little guy. "What? You think that little squirt –"

"Heeeey," Toshirou whined unaffectedly.

" –Could carry that box carrying Ichigo –a man at least a foot and a half taller –like it was fuckin' feather weight? Please, use that brain of yours. I know it's hidden in there somewhere."

Everyone nodded in understanding. But the dumbass wasn't done. "… But why the heart shaped arrows?"

Kenpachi stood up menacingly. "Because I'm fucking Cupid and he has heart shaped arrows! Earlier, ya asked if they were real." He pulled down his bow and removed an arrow from the quiver, setting it. "Let's find out, shall we?"

Renji jumped to his feet horrified. "NO!"

Kenpachi merely smirked like Satan himself, the daughter of Satan cackling loudly beside the storage door. He took a measured step forwards. "I don't know… I've got a target set in mind and yer ass is lookin' pretty good ta me."

Renji screamed like a woman, backing up and flipping over the office chair he had been sitting in, ass coincidently way up in the air.

The monstrous man slowly continued forward. "The only thing about these arrows though. They don't make ya fall in love."

Renji started crawling away, Ikkaku smirking viciously, laughing evilly. Everyone watched horrified, some more than others. Kenpachi continued. "They only make you bleed."

He let the arrow loose. Renji screamed like a girl, wet himself, and stared wide eyed at the arrow an inch to the right of his ass. Orihime laughed, arms thrown high into the air. "HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYBODY!"

Everyone rubbed their foreheads in embarrassed shame.

Toshirou spared everyone a long, disturbed and horrified glance. He couldn't help but wonder what the hell kind of office he'd gotten himself transferred to.

~.:. End of Valentine Mishap.:.~

_**DUE TO AN ACUTE LACK OF POPULARITY WITH MY STORIES, BOTH REQUESTED BY **__**YOU**_**AND MY OWN, **_**I WILL BE GOING ON **__**PERMENANT HIATUS**__**. UNLESS THINGS CHANGE, WHICH I DON'T FORESEE HAPPENING, I WILL **__**NOT **__**POST ANYTHING ELSE.**_

_**SAD BUT TRUE. THEM'S THE APPLES AND NOW YA GOTTA EAT 'EM.**_

Lol, funny oneshot, huh? Friggin' love messing with characters. 8) Anyway, sorry it took so long to get up Grimmkitty1325. Due to… _obvious_ reasons, I had no motivation. But I _did_ get it up! Thanks for the request!

I'd say if you have a request, shoot it my way… _but_ I'm done until further notice.

LOVE YA GUYS! TELL ME WHAT CHYA THOUGHT! And maybe see ya next time (if there is one).

~8DRainbowManVan8D


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